Maths U Can't Handle

 ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
  
 Smart man + smart woman = romance
 Smart man + dumb woman = affair
 Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
 Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
  

 OFFICE ARITHMETIC

  
 Smart boss + smart employee = profit
 Smart boss + dumb employee = production
 Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
 Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
  

 SHOPPING MATH

  
 A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
  
 A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.

  


 GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

  
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  
 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 


 HAPPINESS

  
 To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
  
 To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

  

 LONGEVITY

  
 Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

  

 PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

  
 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

  

 DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

  
 A woman has the last word in any argument.
  
 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
 new argument.

  
  
  
 HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
  
 Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
  
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